I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The air taste purple.
So. Much. Porn.
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