I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
