I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
