we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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