Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need water and some morals
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
