This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize