Plan B is the new Plan A
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
