you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
