i love accidental penises.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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