im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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