you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
