I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
