remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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