If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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