He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
