I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
