Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
