I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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