I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
