you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You did what with his pubic hair?
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