Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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