You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
