I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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