sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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