I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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