she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
