My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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