I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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