Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
