I accidentally had phone sex last night
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
