break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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