it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A bitchslap is in order.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
