Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
