You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
