As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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