Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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