Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
