Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
