why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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