i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
