that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
