Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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