so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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