my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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