Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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