I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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