who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
