Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
