I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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