Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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