My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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