first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
