names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
