please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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