yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
