i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
