you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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