Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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