My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
