thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
