So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
